I have a new job.
I know that I just wrote about quitting my job and living on less so that I can homeschool. I am still homeschooling. I might not wash as many dishes or make my own sauerkraut anymore, but I’m doing the things that are most important to me.
I partnered with Cassie Boorn, and together we launched Maker Mentors, a platform for helping creative people take their business to the next level. We are holding an online conference this May, as well as building an ongoing community and a library of free webinars.
I love my work because it combines my passion for art with my passion for helping people.
Honestly, though, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t just mean with work; I mean all the time. Is this a Gen Y thing? I still feel like a pre-adult, playing at adulthood.
Every once in a while I’ll have an epiphany and truly realize that I have the power and freedom to choose how I want to live my life, but it’s not my instinct to forge my own path. My instinct is to follow someone else I believe in. I am not a revolutionary. I am always looking for people I trust who I can model my life after.
I wrote Cassie and told her how I feel like an imposter. She wrote back: “Everyone feels like an imposter. Nobody cares that your life is a mess. People just care that you’re trying to make something better out of your life.”
I’m afraid that, if I take on too much, my life will be full of too many amazing things and I’ll pour myself out until there’s nothing left. I’m afraid there won’t be any space left for me to sit alone in a room and build faith in myself. I know I have self-confidence issues, and they won’t go away just because I crowd my life with distractions. But how do I know what to say “no” to?
And if I don’t take care of myself, what kind of an example am I setting for Phoebe? Kids pay more attention to what you do that what you say, after all. I know I’m my daughter’s biggest role model. I have to make healthy choices, not just for my sake, but also for her sake.
Penelope says it’s a bad idea for both parents to work, because then nobody is taking care of the home, but I don’t want to say no to the work. I’m afraid that it will throw the scales off balance and ruin my life or my marriage or my relationship with Phoebe. But when I weigh the decision against my gut, I feel how much I’ve grown these past few years, and I think maybe, just maybe, I can take it. Maybe believing in myself means that I’m willing to try something difficult, and that I know I’ll be ok even if it crashes and burns.
I’m an idealist. Maybe, for me, making healthy choices means that I take on more things than I normally world, but I let myself be OK with how they turn out, even if I can’t perfect them. Because if I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that my life isn’t perfect, but it’s still MY life. I won’t be a perfect mom or wife or cook or professional, but I’m still pretty amazing, even when I fall short of perfection.
I think I’m finally starting to realize: I wouldn’t trade the people or causes I believe in for the world. I’m finally realizing that I can believe in myself the same way. I’m finally starting to believe that I can make it. Even when things are chaotic and messy, my life is still disarmingly beautiful. And I want to use it to help others.
I want to be a Maker Mentor.