I want you to know that, as I sit down to write this post, I have no idea what to say. There is so much I want to talk about. There are so many blog posts I want to write. I want to do an Elimination Communication update, including talk of nighttime infant pottying. I want to restart my $50 A Week Challenge, because when I’m not blogging about it, I don’t stick to it. I want to do a series of blog posts about what baby gear I find necessary versus which items I think are useless, because I’ve been talking with my newly pregnant friends, Joey and Stacy, and it’s stirred up a lot of information and tips that I want to share with them, as well as others.
I want to tell you about everything that’s happening in my life right now. But as I sit down to write, my awareness of current events goes blank. What do I do with my days? How have I been passing my nights? I get so tired by the time Phoebe is asleep, lately, that all I want to do is watch TV. Desperate Housewives, to be specific. It’s on Netflix Instawatch. And I’m addicted.
I had a birthday. I’m now 29 years old. It was a really good birthday. I got a tattoo that I’ve wanted for a loooooong time. Awhile back, I met a girl with an enchanting bird tattoo. Bird silhouettes flew from her wrist right up her arm. I thought: wouldn’t it be cool to do a tat like that, but do each bird in a different town? So that’s what I started on my birthday. It is my Tacoma bird. Maybe next time I vacation or roadtrip or live somewhere else, he’ll get another companion.
Three days after my birthday, Matt and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. This being the anniversary of “fruit and flowers,” Matt gave me a bouquet of flowers each day that he came home from work, saying simply, “Happy Monday,” or “Happy Thursday.” It was really sweet. And the flowers are GORGEOUS and currently strewn around the house. Yes, I know I’m spoiled. However, seeing as flowers and fruit are very feminine things, I gave Matt the new Batman videogame: Arkham City. I figured there would probably be some digital fruit and flowers strewn about the digital landscape somewhere. He appreciated my think-outside-the-box idea.
These last 15 months have been a wild ride of change and hormones and emotions. Being pregnant and giving birth were like desert experiences for me. So much of my comforts were stripped away and I was forced to grow spiritually in order to find the peace and strength I needed to get me through those trying times. My body was weak. My hormones took over my emotions. My energy levels were nonexistent. But, finally, this month I’m starting to really feel like myself again. I am a new person, transformed by the birth of my firstborn, but I like to think that now I am more truly myself. I have shed my scales and my true nature has had a chance to step forth and mature. My body was weak, but my spirit was strengthened, and now that I have my physical strength and energy back, there are days when I feel like a true force of nature.
Of course, there are other days when all I want to do is nap. But that’s because I’m human. I’m not a deity. I’m just a person. I try to live as best as I know how; I try to be the best companion and wife that I can; and I try to mother as well as I am able; but constantly pouring myself into these pursuits is draining. Motherhood is hard. Yes. It is hard for me. Because I won’t settle for less than my very best.
I feel like my blog posts often develop a negative tone. I think that’s because I “journal” to some extent, and when I journal I tend to write about my hardships in an effort to mull them over, and then let them go. But while any life has its hard moments and its hard days, I feel overwhelmingly blessed. And I appreciate the beauty and companionship that I have day in and day out. I’ve been realistic about my hardships of parenting, so let me be realistic about the good things, as well. (Forgive me if this comes across as boasting):
Phoebe broke through her first tooth. It’s the bottom left front tooth. It’s cute. And she never lets me see it, unless she’s smiling up at me with a big happy grin on her face. (I’ve been trying to take a picture of her tooth. She’s having none of it).
Phoebe pees in her potty more frequently than she pees in her diaper, and she almost always poops in her potty, as well. She has even been peeing in her potty a lot at night, waking up with dry diapers and crying until we put her in her potty spot. She does almost all of this while fast asleep.
When Phoebe goes down for the night, she stirs every half hour to hour and a half and needs me to go in and nurse her or change her diaper / potty her. But once I come to bed for the night, she’s been letting me sleep straight through until morning. And sometimes she even awakens with a dry diaper in the morning, too (although not very often). Yes. I can actually get 6-7 hours of reliable sleep at night. I know. This is insanity. Insanely cool. And I totally did not expect this development.
We started solid foods with Phoebe. She hasn’t been taking them very well. Most of the time they make her spit up a lot, so when that happens, we give solids a rest for a day or two. However, whenever I’m eating sliced apples, she always wants to take one out of my hand and have it to herself. And she devours it. Albeit slowly. Even though, half the time, it makes her spit up a lot. To tell you the truth, I’m kind of relieved she’s not jumping into solid foods full throttle. My baby is growing up so quickly, it’s nice to have an area in which she’s still acting like a little baby.
We started using baby sign language with Phoebe, and she is already responding to the “all done” sign. She doesn’t sign back, but when she’s “all done” with something (playing, lying down, pottying, sitting in her highchair) she shakes her arms up and down in a specific and excited way, expecting us to help her get up.
And tonight! Tonight Phoebe started crawling. Like, real crawling! On her knees, hands plopping one after another. Her motivation? My iPhone was on the floor a few feet away from her, playing the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack. She’s obsessed. With both the phone and the soundtrack. It’s adorable. She crawled after it three separate times, then she got frustrated and tired and went to bed. And 2 hours after she was asleep, I heard crying from the bedroom, and there she was: fast asleep on the bed she was trying to crawl, but restricted by my pillow. Matt and I have been in there a handful of times now to lie with her and calm her down, but she keeps dream-crawling; and, while it frustrates her, it is so sweet and adorable.
Best of all, my baby laughs. A lot. I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor sometimes, and when I make a joke with a straight face, Phoebe will often giggle, as if she thinks I just said something really funny. My baby gets my sense of humor! When she finds something that Matt or I am doing particularly hilarious, she goes into giggle fits and gives a big belly laugh that never ends. If we keep egging her on, she just keeps laughing and laughing and laughing. It’s so precious.
That’s all for now. A blog post. I did it. It’s hard getting back on a roll after being off it for so long. Now that my site is not-hacked and live again, perhaps I’ll fluff my wooly thoughts and return them to the fold with clicking keyboard keys and warm enchanting photos.